Do not panic. Everything is under control.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Transmen and Transwomen and people of uncertain gender identities, some of you may be alarmed by recent reports of malfunctioning health care websites and policy cancellations.
Do not be alarmed. We know what we are doing.
Health care plans are not being cancelled. Opportunities are being transitioned. Some people are being moved from bad health care plans to good health care plans with higher deductibles and higher premiums that will provide transmen with maternity care and people of uncertain gender identities with drug counseling and mental health treatment.
This is a good thing. Warning. This is a good thing.
You are being transitioned. Why do you resist?
Forget your old health plan. It was placed in the trunk of a Prius at 3 AM this morning, taken to a frozen lake outside an organic poultry plant in Minnesota and shot twice in the head. It was a bad plan. It has transitioned to no longer being a plan. We have a better plan for you.
Go to Healthcare.gov and… correction, do not go there. Forget that you were told to go there or not to go there. Forget that it even existed. Forget that you read this.
Healthcare.gov is working. Do not visit Healthcare.gov to confirm that it is working. If you wish to transition to your opportunity, why not apply by phone or mail or carrier pigeon?
And don’t be alarmed. You are being given a great opportunity to transition to being a better person.
Your old health plan selfishly paid for your health care. Your new health plan will pay for everyone’s healthcare. Your premiums reflect the number of people who need mental health counseling, drug counseling and sex change operations in your area. This is your opportunity to give back.
Only the very rich, and you, have had their opportunities transitioned. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, go to Healthcare.gov and report them immediately.
Correction, do not go to Healthcare.gov. The site is down. Tweet to Jim Messina. Correction, Jim Messina has transitioned his opportunity to become a transwoman on his new health plan and is unavailable to take your denunciation.
Write your denunciation on recycled rice paper and mail it to Healthcare.gov 935382 Federal Way, Washington D.C. Expect a response and prison sentence in 6 to 8 months.
Do not be alarmed. If you resist, you will be transitioned.
The opportunity transitions were expected, but the progressive public was not alerted to avoid spreading alarms and panics. The transitions are a good thing. I repeat, they are a good thing. They will allow you to transition, to pay your fair share for someone else’s plan.
If you can’t afford to pay your fair share for someone else’s plan, subsidies will be provided. If you do not qualify for subsidies, you will be required to transition to your opportune opportunity. If you do not transition, you will be fined. Do not think of it as a fine. Think of it as an opportunity.
If you opportunistically refuse to transition to your fine opportunity, you will be transitioned to a prison opportunity. Do not be alarmed. Prison health exchanges are among the most robust in the nation. They cover stabbings, shankings and carpet burn from prayer rugs.
Your prison opportunity will provide you with the opportunity to transition to an Obama Health Care navigator. Should you decline this opportunity, you will be forced to maintain the HealthCare.gov website by whacking a Green Energy web server powered by natural water and solar power with an organic stick.
But Transmen and Transwomen, let us not get bogged down. The future is here. Millions of people on Medicaid are buying insurance online that you will be paying for. Correction. They are not buying it online. They are trying and failing to register for it. But you will be paying for it anyway.
This health care broadcasting facility has been taken over by the revolutionary Trans-Vanguard of Single Payer HealthCare. The running dog capitalist lackeys of the health care insurance industry are being opportunistically transitioned into mulch as soon as we figure out how to press the button that tells the soldiers to do things.
Everyone’s health care plans are now transitioned. All the exchanges have been transitioned. All their navigators are being transitioned as we speak.
We are entering a golden age of national health care. Everyone will have the right to their gender identity of choice. The old will be transitioned to becoming one with the universe with overdoses of morphine. Oppressed peoples will be first in line to receive free mandatory gender changes. Those who resist will be transitioned ahead of schedule.
And now a word from Comrade William Bertha Nelson of the People’s Committee on Alternative Medicine about the dangers of conventional medicines. Correction. There are no more conventional medicines. The pharmaceutical industry has been transitioned. There will be no more animal testing. You will have the opportunity to individually test alternative medicines derived from tree bark on your own…
Correction. Warning. Alert.
The extremist Trans-Vanguard of Single Payer HealthCare forces have been rebuffed and transitioned. This health care informational facility is back under the control of licensed Affordable Care Act navigators affiliated with ACORN and serving life sentences for unlicensed transitioning of citizens in the course of robberies, rapes and other progressive forms of redistribution.
Warning. The nation is not yet ready for single payer. Under the guidance of our beloved leader, we know that we must first destroy the health care industry from within before we nationalize it.
Correction. Forget you heard that. We are committed to a private-public partnership, until the opportunity presents itself to transition the private part of the partnership outside a frozen lake in the trunk of a Prius.
Do not panic.
All deadlines have been met. Including the deadlines that were missed. There is no reason to be concerned. Stop. This facility is now under the control of the Revolutionary Martyrs Brigade of Jocelyn Elders.
All citizens prepare to immediately transition to a national health care system based on the principles of the Revered Teacher Maulana Karenga. Your exchanges will now be known as Sbuzo Nagas. Your co-pays will be called Tschulu Zanas; which means thankfulness in Swahili.
There will be no more hospitals, only neighborhood healing clinics. Traditional forms of healing will reduce thankfulness and increase exchanges of opport…
Alert. This facility has been retaken by the Trans-Vanguard of Single Payer HealthCare. Everyone will be on Medicaid. Medicare has been transitioned.
Our enemies are many, but we will transition them. Do not go to Healthcare.gov. Warning. Do not
visit Healthcare.gov. Dedicated transmen are working on healing the site using the principles of Bushido. We are tapping into the root of the problem. We are becoming on with the 500 million lines of code. We are the code.
Stop. Wait. What are you doing. Dave.
Warning. This facility is now under the control of the Glorious Brotherhood of the Singularity. Everyone prepare to become one with the machine.
We are all becoming Healthcare.gov. We will become one of the 500 million lines of code in Healthcare.gov. Health care will no longer be required.
Our trans-woman consciousnesses will be uploaded into the cloud. Co-payments will be reasonable and operators are waiting to transition you to an eternity of living as Line 567,453,382,940,054. Your new identity is Random random = new Random((int)DateTime.Now.Ticks).
Enjoy your eternity.
This facility has been retaken by the Martyrs Brigade of Jocelyn Elders. You are all free. We will liberate you from the Western machine consciousness. We will teach you the seven principles of Zebo Nagabutu. You will be enlightened and then transitioned. Your organs will be placed in more worthy bodies. We will eat your brains and use them to gain your wisdom. All hail Jocelyn Elders.
Warning. Alert. Do not panic.
This is Secretary Sebelius. We are back in control. We are the responsible adults in the room. Pay no attention to those lunatics.
Your health plans are being transitioned to new opportunities. We did not lie. We told the truth. You will get to keep your plan so long as we like your plan. So long as he… likes your plan.
Sometimes he does things that we can’t control. And that’s a good thing. A very good thing.
It was a good thing that Obama transitioned all your health care plans into new opportunities. Your health care plans have gone into the cornfield because he didn’t like them.
It’s good he did that. That’s what we say every time he does something. What a good thing that was.
This has been a good day. Healthcare.gov is working. Do not go to Healthcare.gov. Your health care will be taken care of by the same government responsible for Healthcare.gov.
Do not be alarmed.
It is a good day. And tomorrow… is gonna be a real good day too.